“The Orientee” another dark comedy coming soon(ish)…

    Already a sense of change sweeps over me as I realize I just walked on my new unit without having to first pass through any sort of security system. (I’m still trying to figure out if this implies safety, or a lack there of) That ‘hospital smell’ is a lot more prevalent here. The staff seems to carry more of a sense of urgency with them. This makes me a little nervous, I haven’t had to be a ‘real’ nurse in a long time. The realization that this new position appears to resemble actual manual labor is shamefully terrifying. 

    What was also both shameful and terrifying is the fact that I was now officially an orientee again. One of the lowest forms of life in a hospital, right after parking lot attendants and med students. I was already born with a diminished ability to take shit with a smile, and the tolerance I did have, had been rapidly diminishing since birth. The initial hiring phase where I was mainly dealing with the smiling, salesman like faces from the human resources department was over. I would now be left in the questionably capable hands of some crusty old World War II era nurse who’s favorite pastimes likely include rectal exams and crushing the souls of new nurses. 

    The good news in this new situation, is that unlike on a psych unit, the stereotypical ‘sexy nurse’ is a lot more abundant here. Maybe not quite at the Halloween costume level….but surprisingly close. An attractive nurse is a unique and especially dangerous creature. All women of course pose a potentially significant threat to the heart, mind, and possibly some bodily appendages to those who pursue them. Nurses not only tend to possess a superior knowledge of human anatomy, they also frequently serve as the inspiration for many male fantasy scenarios. There are probably some bizarre Freudian theories for the latter, but I just assume there is no real logic behind male perversion. 

-Slow Code, Kelsey David Burnham

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